Humility may not be the natural goto in any leadership position, but I’ve discovered it to be a key component of Christian parenting with grace and vulnerabililty…

“MOM!  Chill. Out!”

When my 14-year-old daughter hissed those words at me this morning during her Zoom tutoring session, not only did I not “chill,” I responded by slamming my books on the table and whispering fiercely, “Don’t. Ever. Tell. Me. To. Chill. Out.”

Because, clearly, I was the epitome of a chilled-out mom.

I wasn’t always so harshly reactive.  I think the fleshly nature in this area of my life was just lying dormant, waiting for the perfect moment to hatch unrecognizable monsters of anger, attitude, and temper tantrums (mine – not my kids’).  It chose parenthood as the mark to begin its infiltration of my soul; thus, I was catapulted into a more honest look at myself. 

Flawed.  Imperfect.  Broken.  Selfish.  A Sinner.

Which is a much better vantage point for God to embrace this sniveling, humbled parent with a bear hug so full of grace that my only fitting response should be to extend that grace to my children. 

Also flawed.  Also imperfect.  Also broken, selfish, sinners.

It’s a daily struggle, but one I hope Jesus is winning.

As my daughter sat stewing during her Zoom session, I couldn’t very well have a meaningful conversation about my behavior—or hers.  But I knew I also couldn’t walk out the door for my own meeting without opening a window back into our relationship. 

So I quickly scrawled on a piece of paper, “I am so sorry for losing my temper and slamming my stuff on the table. I hope you can forgive me. Because I love you – Mommy.” 

Sure, she had been in the wrong as well, but she deserved better from me.  I spend my days sharing the gospel with this child, fighting on my knees for her to know a Heavenly Father who is not mad at her and does not treat her as her sins deserve.

She deserved my example.

I gently folded the note, laid it beside her computer, and prepared to walk out the door.  Before I could even turn the knob, she whispered, “Mom – I forgive you. And I’m sorry for being rude. Will you forgive me?”

Friends, that is what restoration looks like.  And it absolutely cannot happen when I, as the parent, choose pride over connection.  I must lace my responses with a “grace upon grace” approach rooted and redefined through the lens of the gospel.

Godly parenting must strike a balance between truth and grace.  Truth, alone, is not a powerful teacher.  The purpose of correction is to disciple (discipline), to teach.  And we cannot teach our children only half of who God is. Hence, grace alone is not sufficient either. We want our kids to know that while forgiveness is always imminent, sin still has consequences, the biggest of which is the disruption in our relationship with our Heavenly Parent, the lover of our souls.

My flesh yearns to be boss. But God says I’m most like Jesus when I’m humble (Philippians 2).  I am learning to lead with grace, so that God can use my authority—and my life—as a bridge to better reflect Himself to my children.  And the world.

How about you? Need some tangible ways to parent with grace from one who’s in the trenches with you? Try these:

1. Apologize freely, avoiding a “but.” When our flesh wins out in interactions with our kiddos, we’re tempted to say “I’m sorry, but…”

• I’m sorry I yelled, but you weren’t doing what you were supposed to.

• I’m sorry I acted in frustration, but I didn’t get enough sleep last night.

We don’t prefer our kids to make excuses for their own behavior, so it’s not really fair to make them with ours. If our apologies come from a place of true repentence and humililty, we can apoloize, period. No “buts…”

• I’m sorry I yelled. The Bible says that the fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and I wasn’t allowing the Spirit to be in charge just now.

• I’m sorry I acted in frustration. God wants to help me be a patient mom, and I wasn’t letting him just then.

I’ve found that my kids – especially the older ones – tend to own up to their behavior pretty voluntarily when I’ve owned up to mine.

2. Be curious. Rather than respond immediately, take some breaths, count to 10 (or 100), and then ask some curious questions.

• I wonder what you were feeling when you made that choice.

• Tell me what your heart is thinking or feeling right now.

• Is there anything that’s bothering you today?

My anger and behaviors usually are a result of a buildup of events and emotions. Maybe theirs are too.

3. Offer a redo.

• Would you like a redo on how or what you said?

• Let’s redo that conversation. We could both use a do-over.

The gospel speaks this truth so well –  we all need a second chance.

It’s in these moments of vulnerability—when we admit our mistakes, ask curious questions, and offer opportunities for a fresh start—that we truly reflect God’s heart to our children. May our homes be places where truth and grace dance together, fostering relationships rooted in forgiveness and unconditional love. What small step can you take today to lead with grace in your own parenting journey?