How to Relate to Adult Children
Book Review of Doing Life With Your Adult Children by Jim Burns
When a childhood friend from several states away mentioned hosting a group to read this book, I jumped at the chance. Partly because I need accountability to finish a non-fiction book, and partly because I am now the parent of grown man. (It is strange to type that last phrase, but it’s true!) I certainly needed wisdom for relating to adult children.
It was an insightful book on many levels, and I actually recommend reading this book before your kids leave the nest. My childrens’ ages are 15, 16, 17 and 20, and the information was as applicable for relating to my teens as to my adult child.
Jim Burns starts by teaching that our role must change – we must start treating them as adults. C. S. Lewis once said, “Change always involves a sense of loss.” And this specific change is not an easy one. Burns describes this change as a dance neither partner knows the steps to, so we need to figure them out with “our mouth shut and the welcome mat out.”
He focuses considerably on our letting them have experiences – even negative ones – so they can grow. One quote that especially challenged me was “Don’t do for them what they can do for themselves. You have had a lot of experience. They need experience.” We should ask questions rather than giving advice unless it’s requested (otherwise, it is only perceived as criticism). We must focus on our relationship – being positive, fun, cheering them on and respecting their choices – even if we disagree with them. He also suggests and encourages us to study the culture differences today versus ours when we were young. Technology, “everyone gets a trophy,” and other factors shape their identity and decisions.
The book includes practical guidelines for setting boundaries, communicating expectations, and avoiding a tendency to enable, as well as wisdom for relating to adult children who have strayed from the Christian faith or continue to make destructive choices. One idea that especially stood out to me: When your child already knows how you feel about a lifestyle choice they are making, there’s no need to continue talking about it. Take them out to dinner and talk about something else. Get to know them beyond what is breaking your heart. “Although it can take a great deal of discipline, we can shower our adult kids with love even when they wander off the path we had hoped for them.” This chapter produced my absolute favorite quote of the book: “It may be too late for prevention, but it is never too late for redemption.” In Christ, that is true for every individual and situation What an encouragement!
Burns also covers teaching kids about finances, and this counsel would be helpful for teens before they launch. While in college, my parents often bailed me out of financial challenges. Their motivation was kindness, but one result was I didn’t learn how to budget. Unwise spending and saving habits caused much strife (and many wasted dollars) early in my marriage. My husband and I now teach our teen kids to use a budgeting app – you’ll find it here – and Burns offers additional great ideas we want to try; e.g., having our kids watch as we pay monthly bills. I’m not sure they fully grasp how expensive life can be!
Burns also devotes several chapters to relationships with daughters-in-law and sons-in-law. The most impactful advice for me? “Don’t criticize anything about the in-law. Before I react or speak to an in-law, ask myself this question: ‘Will what I am about to do or say improve the relationship?’” My parents-in-law live this so well, and and what a joy it is to share life with them. In other scenarios, I have observed the destruction that results from a less gracious approach. Remember: We want to leave a spiritual legacy for all generations with whom we interact with as we age, and healthy relationships are vital, even if – especially if – we don’t agree with the other person. As the author wisely notes: “Your access to your son and future grandkids is through your daughter-in-law.”
I encourage you to read this book – it will be well worth the time. In closing, I’ll leave you with a final quote that has significantly impacted my thinking: “We will spend more time as a parent of an adult child than we will as the parent of a young child and adolescent.” I want to grow as a parent for the long run. How about you? I’d love to hear your thoughts and pray with you on your journey! (And you can order the book here!)
