Letter to my son, and anyone else questioning the hand of God

Dear Son,

Exactly one month ago today, you had surgery to remove a feeding tube “button” that you’ve had to live with for the past 13 years. I can’t relate to sensing other eyes staring, feeling the pressure, leaking and protrusion of this object where there should be healthy flesh. You were so looking forward to this monumental day, getting rid of the last plastic piece of medical equipment attached to you!

But, today, instead of taking you out to celebrate this milestone, I sent you back to school with a new feeding tube button in place, covered in mounds of gauze and yards of medical tape, as the wound did not close properly, making you the third kid in your surgeon’s 20 years of practicing not experience success with this surgery.

While we’ve laughed a little at your rotten luck (catching walking pneumonia from the intubation tube and literally coughing the wound open), I know deep down you’re dealing with grief, bitterness and frustration. And voicing the one question so many of us “older” Christ-followers have uttered at one time or another to God: “Why me?!”

“It’s not fair” is sometimes the only statement that fits the way we are feeling and understanding who God is, and WHAT he is doing at the moment. I’ve said it, prayed it, written it, even SCREAMED it many times.

When I could not get pregnant; when I was struggling in my marriage; when you were struggling to breathe; when your brother was getting passed around to grandparents while we flew you around the country; when your newly constructed airway began to collapse; when my adopted kiddos were hurting from their trauma; when they were hurting others; when my career path took me down a totally different avenue than I ever imagined; when my dad died; when I had to send a child away for 3 months to get the help they so desperately needed but I could not provide. I could go on. Not to compare my pain and doubt to yours, but to remind you that pain is a part of living in this broken world, in broken bodies, patching our way through broken relationships until we reach the WHOLENESS that is Christ alone. Which will not fully happen until heaven.

Focusing on the pain is so very hard not to do. Our plans were changed, without our permission, and seemingly for no good reason. And the ONE we believed to be powerful enough to have protected us from this pain, for some reason we cannot see, chose NOT to intervene. It makes no sense. It is frustrating. It seems unfair.

It seems…unloving.

But I am writing you this letter to make sure that while questioning the methods of God, you never lose sight of the character of God. Because while his ways and methods may vary and are so far above our way of thinking, his character is UNCHANGING, and He has made it completely clear in scripture. And I’ve seen it in my life. Over and over again. NOT usually in the moment, but in hindsight. Remind your self of the following truths:

 

1. He is working. Romans 8:28 doesn’t mean he is only going to let good things happen to us. It means there is NO BOUNDARY to the good he can bring out of any situation. Even in the CROSS, He used the greatest evil to accomplish the greatest good. “I will make my rivers flow on barren heights”, says the Lord. (Isaiah 41:18)
2. He hears you. David said, even though the very ropes of death were wrapped around him, LITERALLY, and the torrents of destruction terrified him, “My cry to him reached his ears” (Psalm 18).
3. He is your Hope. When David lays out his list of woes before the Lord, QUESTIONING why God was withholding deliverance, “Lord, why do you stand so far away? Why do you hide in times of trouble?” (Psalm 10:1), he ends his cries with “I have trusted in your faithful love”, and “Put your hope in God, Oh my soul.” Job even said “though he SLAY me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15)
4. He loves you. His pruning, while painful, is evidence of his LOVE. Just as I give you consequences, chores, medicine, and other things you may not enjoy in the moment, they are given because I love you and know what you need to grow physically, socially, emotionally and spiritually. So does your heavenly Father, the master gardener, pruning each part of us so that it can bear MORE fruit. (John 15:1-2)
5. One day it will make sense. Because He is Sovereign.  “I will bless the Lord who counsels me – even at night when my thoughts trouble me. I always let the Lord guide me.” (Psalm 16:7-8) “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12).

 

I leave you with perhaps my favorite passage of scripture. One that has rejuvenated my near-death hopes during many an unwanted circumstance. “Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is SEEN, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

When you can’t understand what he’s doing, son, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can trust WHO HE IS and always will be about. Our good = his glory.

I love you the most-est!

Mom