Seven Essentials for Moms with Adopted, Foster, and Special Needs Kids

Some days it’s like dog-paddling in choppy, uncharted waters of a vast ocean.  Many things aren’t as we expect.  Everything feels overwhelming – physical, occupational, and emotional therapy appointments, surgeries, shocking behaviors, IEP meetings,  destructive family dynamics, and more.  But while specific circumstances can vary, I’ve learned there are commonalities among  parents of adopted, foster, and special needs kids: None of us were fully prepared.  And most of us experience anxiety, exasperation, and feeling alone.

This post doesn’t contain all I have learned, nor all the strategies and tools that have helped me cope and thrive while raising kids with developmental or medical trauma.  But based on my experiences and conversations with other veteran “trauma mamas,” I hope to give you some practical suggestions we all wish we’d known earlier.  In no particular order, here are seven essentials for creating hope and peace during your parenting journey.

1. Find friends with similar challenges.  We all need a network!  Whether an adoption support group, friends at the park or school, or others we meet through church or community groups,  our game plan will be much more effective surrounded by teammates and a cheer squad.  Swap phone numbers, plan a coffee date, text when you’re overwhelmed, pray for one another – even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone and admitting you’re having a tough time.  Our friends with biological/typical kids can and will be a huge support for us, so absolutely maintain these friendships (and be willing to accept help from them – meals, childcare, gift cards, etc.). But there is something powerful about connecting with others with similar challenges. Seek them out.

2. Read.. There is so much content about parenting kids with developmental trauma as well as books written by parents who have gone through similar parenting struggles.  Three of my favorites are Dancing With A Porcupine (Parenting Wounded Children Without Losing Yourself) by Jennie Owens, The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and David Cross, and Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes.  And there are many more – see the comments for other reader favorites and feel free to list your favorites there.  Not only did these books give me practical strategies and ideas, but they also reminded me I was not alone (or crazy) and gave me relatable stories and ideas.  Not a reader? Check out this podcast, Two Trauma Mamas, by two women I greatly respect who have both poured into me and my family.

3. Have a respite provider.  I had no idea when I adopted that respite was even a thing –  that I would need time away from my adopted kids (particularly those adopted through foster care or after infancy) in a different way than just regular date nights or getaways that may exist in the schedule with biological or developmentally healthy children.  Many of our adopted and medically fragile kiddos have a way of disrupting the family peace and rhythm (through no fault of their own – it’s the language of trauma and illness speaking), and you and your spouse (and potentially your other children) need time for normalcy.  This isn’t a luxury, as I once thought – it is a necessity. 

Your respite provider should be trained (by you if necessary) to care for your kids in a way that enhances your attachment to them rather than undermining it.  Our kids need a safe, quiet environment with routine (even small chores) and healthy meals.  They need someone firm (not harsh) and mild-tempered (not Mary Poppins) who sets the schedule.  Their goal is for YOUR home to be the child’s favorite place, not theirs.  In her book, Foster Parenting Matters, Julie Bagamary gives some great lists and examples of activities, goals and attitudes for respite providers of adoptive and foster kids.

4. Find a good therapist who understands trauma.  Because our children aren’t the only ones who have it – along the way we inherit trauma of our own.  Processing this with a therapist can be key to not only surviving the job of parenting, but also maintaining a strong marriage in the midst of it and living with renewed purpose and vitality.  We have to learn about our own triggers, have a safe place to share our hearts, and process all that is happening around us.

5. Say less.  I’m a talker, so this does not come naturally to me.  I have physically worn myself out by giving my kids too much information.  These kiddos usually tune us out after one sentence because they are unable to process much more.  And some of them enjoy pulling us down rabbit trails.  I have learned many one-liners that can save the day (and my peace of mind).  Like “Asked and answered” when a child has asked the same question a bajillion times.  Help yourself to the free printable (Wonderful Oneliners) at the end of this post for more ideas, but in general, keep the explanations short to non-existent.  Save your energy for the bigger battles.

6. Self-care is not extravagant, it is crucial.  This can be a few hours at home alone, a manicure or message, a meal out, a trip with friends, or a day by a pool to read a book and absorb Vitamin D.  We all have different budgets, schedules, and needs, but find something that allows you to rest and rejuvenate as you fulfill your God-given task of parenting these kids. It’s necessary.

7. Consistently spend time with God. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve cried my heart out to God and been affirmed, encouraged, and challenged by the eternal and relevant truths of his Word.  His promise to be with me is sure – but I must be available to talk, listen, and be still.  Walking with Him continually is where true rest is found (Matthew 11:29-30), and keeping our minds filled with Him brings peace (Isaiah 26:3).

I pray you’ve discovered a life-giving nugget in this list!  Please share your successful strategies, favorite books on the topic, or other ideas in the comments (at top of post)– let’s supplement this list together!