Silent Laughter

Last spring our family started a new dinner time tradition of listing and sharing five things that we were each thankful for.  The only rule?  Nothing can be repeated.  Our goal is for each of us to reach one thousand.  These lists contain everything you could imagine – from ketchup, fitting into skinny jeans, salvation, chips and queso,  and an empty septic tank (if you know, you know), to the beach, the resurrection, a cousin, a video game, camp, and “air” (yes, some nights it’s a stretch!).  One child wrote “the dream of burning the youth pastor’s bullhorn” after returning from the middle school camping trip, while another wrote “fish bowl”,  which I’m still trying to figure out since we do not own any fish.

Clearly, we have fun with this activity, moving beyond complaining and into a clearer view of the unending blessings God has given us.  

The other day I was reading a sixteen year old excerpt from my journal when my son, Josiah, was 9 months old. In it, I had written the following:

“Today I’m thankful for silent laughter.  My son currently has a tracheotomy tube through which he breathes and receives oxygen.  This trach results in no air passing over his vocal chords.  Ever.  When he cries, you see the agony on his face and in the tiny tears on his cheek.  When he coughs, you merely hear the air moving through his trach.  When he is uncomfortable, you know by the cues he gives through movements (or the endless alarms going off from all the equipment he’s hooked up to).  

But when he laughs…  It’s so full of joy, you can almost hear it – if you’re listening with your heart.  You’ve never heard amusement before until you’ve seen his!  Josiah has a smile that lights up his entire face and the entire room.  And if you take the time to tease him with his favorite “red puppy dog”, or tickle his tummy, you’ll have a front row seat to see his breathtaking laughter.  However silent it may be, you’ll feel as though you’ve just heard the most boisterous chuckle a baby can muster!

It’s often much easier to thank God for a trial when we can see the fruit that has grown from it.  Throughout these difficult nine months I’ve seen my marriage grow deeper, heard from people who were strengthened from our faith,  learned how to feel more deeply and pray more intently for others who are hurting or who have kids with great needs.  I’m thankful that God is giving us the grace to use our suffering for His glory.  But today I’m simply  thankful for having to pay closer attention to the details of my son’s laughter – by having to look rather than listen – and know the joy of watching his eyes light up with unrestrained merriment, his mouth form a smile that is bigger than his face, and his body literally shake with delight as he bellows out a very silent, yet very hearty laugh.”

Little did I know when I wrote the excerpt above that Josiah would need that trach and oxygen for the next four years.  That he would have that feeding tube for the next eleven.  That we were on the brink of an adoption journey that would lead us to new trauma that easily rivaled  Josiah’s.  

God says a lot about gratefulness in His word, such  as “count it all joy” (James 1), “give thanks always” (Ephesians 5), “with thanksgiving make your requests to God” (Philippians 4),  “be watchful in prayer with thanksgiving” (Colossians 4), and “we rejoice in our sufferings that produce endurance” (Romans 5).  But notice the pattern, as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5 , that we are to “give thanks in all circumstances”, not necessarily for all circumstances. I certainly wasn’t thankful for that trach, but I was clearly thankful for the blessing only a God of grace could bring me because of it.  In spite of it.  Through it.  Even for Paul, it was a process of pleading for his thorn to be taken away before coming to a place where he could boast about his weakness.  He wasn’t thankful for his thorn, but He was thankful to the God who works perfectly in our lives for His glory and out of His grace.

I challenge you to find an object of your gratefulness today!  And it’s okay if all you can think of is “air” – that’s just real life!  I’d still love to hear it, so share it in the comments!