Streams in the Desert: Managing My Journey with Depression

Mental illness awareness week was officially October 3-9. I had every intention of writing a blog post that week, but ironically, I was in the middle of a cycle of depression.  Here’s a typical day for me during these times.  Maybe you can relate…

I wake up to my alarm, feeling like I’ve only been asleep for a couple of hours, and literally drag myself out of bed in hopes that my morning cup of joe will produce the spark needed to jump-start my battery.  At this point, maternal and spousal obligations are the only things keeping me from heading back to bed.  That’s pretty universal, right?  I continue on, making lunches and smoothies before I settle into my only shot at being alone with Jesus.  I get a good half hour of the Word and communication with the Word made flesh. I can do this. WE can do this.

As the morning continues, stress begins to build about all the tasks that must be accomplished in order to ensure that my world (and everyone else’s) continues to orbit successfully. I have the tools and wisdom necessary for achieving my goals, but find myself completely unmotivated to take the first step toward their completion. I’m tired, and since many of these tasks aren’t “creative” or “fun”, I’m dragging my feet toward them.  Most of us have mornings like these.  No big deal.

In the middle of my motivational dilemma is the nagging sense that every single thing my kids do or say is considerably more annoying than usual, and the perception that their behavioral issues are deeper than I supposed yesterday.  I try to ignore it at first, but eventually, I find myself snapping at them – my temper going from zero to eighty in a matter of only a few seconds.  I can hear myself rudely responding to them and my vocal volume rising. I’m not proud of what I hear myself saying, but I can’t stop it either.  The emotions are just too real and on really high alert today.  Again, I’ve not yet described anything completely uncommon to the typical stay-at-home or rushing-to-work parent, have I?  

The day continues as my husband texts a request which I immediately tag (not out loud, of course) as a selfish “ask” that he should know I can’t handle right now.  Somehow he begins to get on my last nerve, and he’s not even home!  By this time, it’s necessary for my peace of mind to turn to the rescue chocolate, chips and queso, and other comforting foods that help me cope (and procrastinate).

My mind continues playing out all that I need to do and I realize that if I just had a FEW MOMENTS TO MYSELF sans a needy family, I could get ahead of the backlog and make some real progress toward personal and professional productivity.  My mom graciously agrees to watch the kiddos, but I’m so highly distracted and unmotivated in their absence, not much is accomplished.  When they return, I’m just as tired, just as stressed, just as unmotivated, and just as grumpy.  And gosh darn, they are just as annoying. If I didn’t have a dog, nothing on earth would motivate me to exercise, so I’m begrudgingly thankful to squeeze in a two-mile jaunt with the pup, and a kid in tow who complains the whole time.

For the remainder of the day, I go through the motions until I can reach bedtime when I’ll start a novel or a Netflix binge to escape the overthinking my day has consisted of. I remind myself that I deserve something positive in my life.  A chance to stop thinking and just relax.  

When sleep finally comes, I awaken to the alarm clock and wonder why it feels like I’ve only slept for a couple of hours, and yesterday repeats itself.  After about a week of this, and in spite of the amazing blessings in my life, discouragement becomes despair.  That’s where the “normalcy” is filtered out.  

I’m not writing this for sympathy, empathy, or advice.  I just wonder if there is someone else out there who needs to know that you’re not alone, you’re not spiritually immature, and you’re certainly not going crazy.  

I’m not an expert on the subject of depression, but I have become an expert on MYSELF, and so I work a little harder to have certain habits and people in my life.  Disclaimer: This isn’t a “prescription” (I obviously still struggle!), but there are some things that help me keep my life a little more balanced when my emotions cannot be.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1. A partner who gets it.  I let my husband know when things are off.  He shares the burden emotionally through empathy, and any other way he can practically do so.

2. Corporate Worship.  This may seem odd, and maybe it’s just my love for music, but no matter how far into despair I find myself during a given week, when I come together with my brothers and sisters in Christ and sing words of truth that remind me of the power and sovereignty of God, my mood is always lifted.

3. Regular doctor’s appointments.  I’m great at googling ideas and symptoms, but my doctor actually has a degree, so I have annual lab work and checkups to make sure there aren’t underlying causes that are being missed. I have some physiological issues that contribute to these cycles (like an underactive thyroid and secondary PTSD), so regular visits are a must.

4. Medication (unashamedly).  I love me some Jehovah Rapha, but for now, He has chosen to leave me dependent on Him with this thorn, so I do what I can to combat its effects.  This includes everything from good nutrition choices, exercise, supplements and prescriptions. I know that a rockstar faith does not equal a pain-free life, so I seek Him first and use the wisdom He gives.

5. My tribe.  I have a few friends and family members who understand me.  I can text the worst, and they’ll respond with “I’m praying for you”, “I get it”, or “What can I do for you right now?”. Usually, I just needed someone else to know how I’m feeling since I process “out loud”.

6. Snuggles with my dog.  No joke, this little guy is always happy to see me, never talks back, and is content just being beside me with no words passing between us. He’s a therapy dog, minus the training and certification.

7. Self-Awareness.  I take notes in my calendar so when I’m ready to ship a kid off to military school, I can see that I’m in a pattern of depression where things always seem worse than they really are and I take a step back to reevaluate my decisions.

8. A company of greatness.  I am surrounded by spiritual (and cultural) greats who have struggled with depression, from Moses, David, Elijah, Job, and Jeremiah, to Charles Spurgeon, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr and even Louie Giglio.  All saints who allowed or continue to allow God to sustain and use them in spite of this struggle. Depression is a common enemy of many. But it doesn’t have to minimize our effectiveness.

So I say with the apostle Paul, “Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight,…and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross…and is seated at the right hand of God.  Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”  (Hebrews 12:1-3)

It’s okay to just be barely okay some days – as long as I don’t give up. I can still possess the abundant life and live it to the fullest while having a physical reminder that this life is just a pit stop on my way to the perfection of Heaven. And you can too. What helps have you found during depressing days, or who might you be an encouragement to during some of theirs?  Leave me a comment (above)!