How to Respond When Children Leave the Faith

It’s often difficult to untangle our responsibility from their responses when children leave the faith behind that we hold so dear. And I wonder if this often stems from pride.

Kids have a way of exposing our pride, and often in very public arenas.  I’m a white adoptive mom of two Rwandan children, and despite our efforts at celebrating ethnic diversity,  they’ve still grown up immersed in a mostly “white” world.  I’ll never forget the first time I took my son to an African-American hair salon.  He sat in the chair, looked around in awe, and then blurted out (much too loudly for my comfort), “LOOK AT ALL THESE BLACK PEOPLE!  HERE’S WHERE ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE ARE!”  There was no rock for me to crawl under.  Believe me, I looked. 

Pride has no chance of surviving our parenting journey.  Particularly when so many children are leaving the faith of their parents. Several years ago, my husband was asked by a pastor at our church if we would teach a class on parenting.  We were barely treading water in that season of parenting and work, so he wisely declined.  We often joke that we didn’t teach the class because we were waiting to see how our kids turned out.

In reality, our hearts were burdened by fears of how our kids’ current issues would play out in real time – fears deeply rooted in our pride. We will teach a class after we are assured everything we have done produces responsible, spiritual adults. We’ll be vulnerable with others, but only if (and after) things turn out the way we want them to. 

Granted, credibility is important, but I can no more control my child’s behavior and decisions than I can hide under a rock in a barber shop. Influence, yes. Control, no.

Sometimes I lack the humility and faith to truly believe the outcome depends on my child’s heart and my God’s hands.  Our children’s behaviors and decisions are theirs alone – even if they reflect some of ours. Thankfully, God is bigger than our influence.  What he can do in and through their lives is grander than any plan of ours.  God calls us to share his Word with them and provide them with opportunities to grow in it.  It’s their choice to obey. And that is a freeing truth!

Scripture is full of great parents with less-than-obedient kids.  Sampson‘s parents set him aside at birth to be God’s instrument, but he made many poor choices before finally surrendering his will and life for the glory of God. James shared a Godly mom with Jesus but did not believe who Jesus was until after his death and resurrection. 

As parents, we are responsible for doing what we know is right, but the yoke of our kids’ choices doesn’t rest on our shoulders.  Their growth (or lack of it) isn’t solely dependent on my parenting wins and losses. God’s Word clearly states that we plant and cultivate, but he alone makes faith grow (1 Cor 3:7).  My parenting failures are never beyond the reach and redemption of the Perfect Parent.  As Jim Burns writes in Doing Life With Your Adult Children:  It may be too late for prevention, but it’s never too late for redemption. Even when our children choose to leave faith behind.

It may be too late for prevention,

but it’s never too late for redemption.

_{Jim Burns}

I am raising four very different children from very different backgrounds and levels of trauma. I am imperfect, but doing the best I can, I must leave the end of the story in God’s more than capable hands.  I must extend the same grace to myself that God extends to me. And I must trust the outcome to the Author, who is never finished writing a story until his child comes home.

Click below to hear the podcast episode on this topic, which includes more information and a few strategies of hope while we wait for God to move in our kids’ hearts!