Why Your Family Doesn’t Need a Good Mom

Dear Reader,

Below is a shortened version of a recent letter from my son. It encouraged me, and I hope it will inspire you! – Shelly

*(last week’s giveaway winner listed at the end of this post!)

A son’s response to his mother’s un-perfect-ness

by Silas Snead

Hey mom!

A few months ago, I had a different kind of birthday present idea for you than the normal “dog mug,” fluffy socks, or funny house decoration. I was bored in class paying close attention in class while also skimming through some of your “Un-perfect” blog posts.

There were two specific posts that caught my attention that day: Grieving What Never Was (read it here) and It’s Never Too Late To Be A Good Mom (found here).

I am writing to respond and expand on the thoughts you expressed. I hope to blend their main ideas with Biblical truth and my own experiences with your mothership (I am clearly an expert, being your oldest child). Happy birthday! Let’s dive in…

Rejoicing What Never Was

At some point after our adoption, I realized something had not gone according to plan. Through years of secondary trauma and seeing its effects on my family, I realized my ideal of being an older brother was lost. Not just because of my siblings’ trauma, but because of my own behaviors – I had a temper, an ego, and very little grace. However, here are some truths that have completely shifted my perspective:

1) It is okay to grieve what was lost. The God of the Land of the Living will sit with me, mourn with me, heal me, and comfort me in this process. But he won’t allow me to stay there. Not because he expects me to get it together and move on with my life, but because he is alive and well, and so are his plans.

2) His ways are higher than my ways, he is good, and he is the Life-giver. A paraphrased quote by J.M.L. Monsabre says, “If I were as powerful as God, I’d change everything. If I were as wise as God, I’d change nothing.”

If I were as powerful as God, I’d change everything.

If I were as wise as God, I’d change nothing.

We as believers should die to ourselves daily. Part of this process is rediscovering what God’s view on (fill in the blank) is, as opposed to our twisted and fallen version. I didn’t lose the ideal of being a big brother – I lost my expectation of what it looks like and gained God’s ideal for me. And his ideal shatters and exceeds every expectation and hope of my own. “His plan is better” isn’t an overused Christian cliché – it’s a radical truth. So, as I write this, I find myself rejoicing in what never was…

It’s Never Too Late to Be A “Snead Mom”

You’ve been a “Snead Mom” (Copyright 2022: Silas Snead coined this term and should have a share in whatever money it makes). You have been an incredible mom, because your identity in Christ cannot be separated from your mom-ness…

Years ago, I was building a retaining wall with dad. Near the end of the project, I looked at what we had completed, then looked up at dad and exclaimed, “Well, it isn’t perfect, but it’s Snead. And that’s better.” This has become a famous family saying for moments like when dad and I duct taped my cars’ headlights to help them stay in. It looked a little wild, but it did the job. In a “Snead” way. Being “Snead” is to be un-perfect (sometimes to the point of hilarity), yet to do the job you’ve been assigned creatively and to the best of your ability.

Mom, the main idea in one of your posts was “I don’t have to dwell in defeat because God gently raises me to walk in His victory.” That’s a powerful truth, but how about framing it this way:

As a Christian, we don’t fight FOR victory, but FROM victory. Whose victory? Christ’s. As I am sanctified by Christ, I am not just becoming a new creation, I am a new creation. Therefore, the more I look like Jesus as I walk is really just me leaning more fully into who I already am in Christ. I’m not gaining identity when I’m patient and kind, or more self-controlled; I’m leaning into the identity I already have because of what Christ has already accomplished.

Mom, both spiritually and practically, you are not mothering from defeat to victory, but from victory until eternity. The same God that holds the future held the past. And at no point did he drop it. And as you parent in Christ, he doesn’t let you drop it either. Humility is the acknowledgement of God’s ability to make our messes into masterpieces, and knowing we aren’t just now being lifted out of defeat to be used by the Lord. He lifted us out of defeat the moment he adopted us!

Your identity as a person and the “Snead mom” is unable to be separated from Christ. There’s no way to imply you have not been a “good mom” without denying God the glory of a faithful life lived to him, because saying “good mom” is an identity statement. It’s totally cool with God when I say, “I am a son who has made some mistakes,” but when I say “I’m not a good son” or “It’s too late for me to be a good son,” I’m making an identity statement against what God has already said. Basically, I’m saying my goodness is because of me,, when it’s actually Christ’s goodness, always.

The “Snead Mom” doesn’t look put together and perfect because she’s not that kind of mom. She looks like Jesus because she never gives up, loves unconditionally, and rejoices powerfully. She laments deeply and walks empowered by the same Spirit that raised Christ Jesus from the dead.

 So, thanks for not just being a “good mom.” Press on, rejoicing with hope and great expectation, knowing the God of peace will shatter all expectations with the depths of his goodness.

Love,

Silas

*Congrats to Malinda for winning last week’s giveaway, K J Ramsey’s book, This Too Shall Last! Check your inbox for a message from me:)*